All too often we fall into the trap of believing that we are right, that our opinions and beliefs are “indisputable facts,” and that those who disagree are at best naive and ill informed, and at worst fools, apostates, and threats. The first step towards increasing the chances of maintaining family harmony and preventing device conflict is to acknowledge the all too human propensity to believe that our opinions/beliefs are the only correct ways to view a situation. If we begin a conversation by acknowledging that we know our opinions are just our opinions, no matter how strongly we hold them and how much we are convinced (and actually may have substantial historical or scientific evidence to support our assertions) we hopefully can de-escalate conflicts. Adopting a more humble stance is more likely to invite a similar response and lessens the likelihood that others will feel attacked or criticized. Whereas, beginning a conversation by declaring that our point of view is the only way to view a situation is likely to provoke conflict with others who do not share our point of view. Second, maintaining a more humble position in the face of a critical response is also important. Counter-attacking, particularly pointing out that the other person is ill-informed, hostile or the like will typically result in more tension. Third, we are not arguing that one should abandon one’s beliefs. In the case of Covid19 we clearly believe that there is incredibly strong evidence to support that Covid19 is: a serious and potentially deadly condition; that vaccines are safe and highly effective; and that masking is a valuable tool in reducing the spread of disease. Rather, we are suggesting that one can hold to one’s beliefs, without being condescending, critical, demeaning or threatening. Taking the stance that conveys that one is acting out of a personal conviction and not asking others to accept their beliefs, the potential for conflict is reduced. It is hard to argue with someone who says, I know you don’t agree, but just understand this is how I feel, particularly when the person is not being asked to renounce their beliefs. The message: I know you likely do not agree with me but these are my beliefs and I am going to follow them, is far less antagonistic than the message: I’m right, you’re wrong. Obviously it is easier said than done to convey this sentiment, but it is our view that this is a powerful sentiment that can help defuse conflict.
An example: I was recently invited to a shower to be held by my youngest’s future in-laws. When I asked, is everyone there going to be vaccinated, and was told no, I indicated that because of my age (50+, okay add a few pluses) that I would not be attending. I took the stance that I did not feel safe, rather than asserting the unvaccinated were ignorant fools who would jeopardize my safety and health, and that of others. I apologized for having to miss this event and expressed my sense of loss and not being able to meet my child’s future in-laws extended family. In this instance I “lucked out” as others also expressed concerns about attending with the unvaccinated, and the hosts uninvited the unvaccinated. Now, in all honesty I do not know how much or how little acrimony the uninviting caused. I believe, but obviously cannot be sure, that my approach decreased the potential for conflict and mobilized others to take a similar stance.
In the ideal world, and we clearly do not live in that world, the first three steps can help defuse conflict. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. In these instances it is our recommendation that one :”hold the course.” Specifically, do not escalate the conflict, express sadness that it is occuring, and convey the sentiment that it is one’s fervent hope that this conflict does not bring to an end a valued relationship. Finally, none of these strategies prove sufficient, a gracious retreat, followed by a time out/cooling off period, and then a re-extending of the olive branch, is recommended.
In closing, we know that the strategies we are recommending are hard to follow. From a personal standpoint, I have found it challenging to adhere to this approach and have not always succeeded in doing so. However, the damage and hurt caused by family rifts and cut-offs is significant and thus the value of striving to avoid or mitigate such conflicts is great.